Am I a hypocrite?

Ever since Mark Zuckerberg and countless other friends and celebrities have announced their struggle with miscarriages, pregnancy loss, and infertility I've felt empowered that I shared my story. I didn't announce I was expecting until I was 14 weeks. And I was one of those naive women who thought to myself "I made it to 12 weeks - I'm in the clear now! I can't wait to tell my family and friends." Never did I imagine that what would happen the follow week would a a harsh reality that I would be faced with.  After all I thought it was a simple blood test.

At the time I wasn't sure if I would share the truth about everything my husband and I went through that fateful week in May. But after some time went on we realized after several conversations we couldn't continue on living a lie. We had to be truthful and shed light on the tough decision we made for ourselves but also in the hope that others who might be faced with the same decision that they are not alone.

At the time I was very confident in sharing my story. Both of us received so much support from family and friends that helped us get through that tough time. In hindsight had I not shared that I was expecting, I doubt I would have had the love and support from so many people nor do I think I would have been as willing to share my story so openly. So although some have said to me, "It's too bad you just announced a week or so earlier." I am glad we did. Our little girl was sent lots of love although it wasn't in the human touch form.

Now as I am moving beyond the past and healing more everyday, I wonder to myself will I be as willing to share that we are expecting again. Do I want to be caught again "with my pants down" in the event that something happens again? Would I rather only have a few people know in that event or would I rather once again have my entire social network know and once again shower us with love and support? Will I offend someone who is also struggling with infertility and is jealous we were able to get pregnant again and they are still working on getting that second pink line for the first time?These questions cross my mind daily.

Of course, then I come across articles like this that make me want to cheer these women on. But here I am pondering whether I'll announce at all let alone at 12 weeks or sooner. Am I a hypocrite or what? Right now the jury is still out what I'll do if/when I am blessed with another pregnancy.

The Risk Moving Forward

The final amniocentesis results finally came back about 10 days following the FISH results. These unfortunately left us with additional unknown and several questions. For the final amnio results the cells were left to grow for 7 – 10 days and then they were to be tested to determine the exact karyotype of the baby’s chromosomes. Well 10 days later the cells never grew and therefore we ended up with inconclusive results. We obviously felt once again like the exception rather than the rule but our genetic counselor proceeded to tell us that this was something she’s seen in trisomy 13 before so although it’s rare it is common. I’m not sure how one can use rare and common in the same sentence but we went with it.  So now were left with the question of what type of trisomy 13 was it? Was it the genetically inherited type where for some reason either my husband or I had an extra piece of the 13^th chromosome attached to one of our chromosomes?  Or was it in fact a genetic fluke in that it was a random event and had a small chance of occurring again? And lastly was it full trisomy 13 or was it mosaic, which we’ll never truly know but odds are it was full trisomy 13?

We were left asking ourselves, what now? I had read a lot about what other genetic testing could be done in the event we found out we were indeed a carrier for something. This would involve going down the IVF route and doing pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) of the embryos before they inserted back into the mother for implantation. Which I’m sure if you have any idea how much IVF costs this only would increase that cost significantly as well as complications.

Luckily, we had great resources available to us that recommended we do parental chromosome analysis to determine if my husband or I have any chromosome anomalies. So after some fight and several conversations with my ob/gyn I was able to get us both a prescription to get this blood test performed. All we had to do was go to one of the hospitals labs to get it drawn. Now herein comes even more complications. Evidently the hospital doesn't run these tests very often so the first attempt to get the blood drawn was halted due to the staff not knowing how much blood to draw or the correct tube to use. After several phone conversations the following day we finally were able to get our genetic counselor to straighten out the test requirements with the lab.

My husband and I went back the following evening to get our blood drawn. Now anyone that knows my husband knows he does not do needles well. He knew we wasn't going to be able to give nor watch the fertility injections and he has a history of passing out with getting blood drawn. We made sure the lab staff knew his history and we made sure he was laying down during the procedure. Once his blood was drawn we made sure he sat in the chair for some time and after a few minutes he said he was feeling well and let me get my blood drawn. As soon as I was finished my husband said he was getting lightheaded so we immediately had him sit back down. Two minutes later he was passed out and went in and out of consciousness a few times. In my opinion one of the scariest things I’ve seen him go through before. I’d rather not see that again so I was hopeful that this was the last time either one of us would have to get blood drawn for quite some time.  

Two weeks later, we finally received the results. Both of our chromosome analyses were normal. We were not carriers for trisomy 13. This was quite the relief. Now the only chromosome we were concerned about what the 7^th chromosome. We still wanted to know whether I was a carrier for cystic fibrosis. This was supposed to be tested back in April but wasn't for some reason. Luckily, if I was not a carrier my husband would be spared of any needles so we were hoping for that based on the previous experiences. But as far as trisomy 13 we were now at a 1% chance of having trisomy 13 happening again in a future child. That 1% is significantly high based on the typical risk for other 29 year olds who are having children but we weren't scared. We knew we wanted a family and we were willing to go whatever necessary to get there this was just part of our journey. 

A Humbled Reflection on Sharing My Blog

It's been almost one week since sharing my blog. I would have to assume most who were going to read the blog have read it by now. And “wow” is the word that comes to mind when I think about all the support I’ve gotten after posting my story. I am truly humbled by the amount of people who have read it and been brave enough to send their love and support over a tough subject for many to think about let alone talk about.  Although, I know not everyone will agree with my decision I do believe that sharing my story has really helped my husband and I heal tremendously even in the few short days since I have posted the blog to social media. Never did I imagine so many people would actually click that link and then actually read the posts. I'd like to THANK every single one of you who have taken any amount of time out of your busy lives to read anything on my blog. 

Moving forward I plan to continue to post about life and the journey we have moving forward in our healing process. Hopefully, I have some more positive stories to share in the future. In fact, I know I will because my husband and I have been keeping positive thoughts for the future and we have continued to fill our life laughter, love, and fun times. 

My favorite Disney movie happens to also have my favorite quote to live by, 

"Keep Moving Forward."

Prelude

Since this is the post that will be at the top of the blog once I post this to the social media world I wanted to give some brief words about why I wrote this and why I posted this....

I'm not posting to have people feel sorry for us. I'm not posting to receive attention. I'm not posting to call attention to any person or persons. I'm not posting to start a debate on my opinions vs. your opinions on my choices.  I'm not posting in the intent that hundreds or even one person even reads this blog.

I am posting to tell my story. I'm posting to get this big secret off my chest. I'm posting to allow myself to heal. I'm posting in hopes that someone will read it who has faced this situation and realize that they are not alone.

My only goal is to tell my story and allow myself to have an outlet to help myself heal and keep moving forward. If you feel compelled please join me in reading about my journey through life one rep at a time......