Am I a hypocrite?

Ever since Mark Zuckerberg and countless other friends and celebrities have announced their struggle with miscarriages, pregnancy loss, and infertility I've felt empowered that I shared my story. I didn't announce I was expecting until I was 14 weeks. And I was one of those naive women who thought to myself "I made it to 12 weeks - I'm in the clear now! I can't wait to tell my family and friends." Never did I imagine that what would happen the follow week would a a harsh reality that I would be faced with.  After all I thought it was a simple blood test.

At the time I wasn't sure if I would share the truth about everything my husband and I went through that fateful week in May. But after some time went on we realized after several conversations we couldn't continue on living a lie. We had to be truthful and shed light on the tough decision we made for ourselves but also in the hope that others who might be faced with the same decision that they are not alone.

At the time I was very confident in sharing my story. Both of us received so much support from family and friends that helped us get through that tough time. In hindsight had I not shared that I was expecting, I doubt I would have had the love and support from so many people nor do I think I would have been as willing to share my story so openly. So although some have said to me, "It's too bad you just announced a week or so earlier." I am glad we did. Our little girl was sent lots of love although it wasn't in the human touch form.

Now as I am moving beyond the past and healing more everyday, I wonder to myself will I be as willing to share that we are expecting again. Do I want to be caught again "with my pants down" in the event that something happens again? Would I rather only have a few people know in that event or would I rather once again have my entire social network know and once again shower us with love and support? Will I offend someone who is also struggling with infertility and is jealous we were able to get pregnant again and they are still working on getting that second pink line for the first time?These questions cross my mind daily.

Of course, then I come across articles like this that make me want to cheer these women on. But here I am pondering whether I'll announce at all let alone at 12 weeks or sooner. Am I a hypocrite or what? Right now the jury is still out what I'll do if/when I am blessed with another pregnancy.

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

Within the last year a lot has changed in my world as well as the world around me. Personally it’s been almost one year since my husband and I got married. It’s been over 6 months since traveled across the world to the land down under. And now it’s been over 2 months since we said goodbye without being able to say hello to our baby girl. It’s been a month or more since the Supreme Court ruled in support of gay marriage. There are now over 20 presidential candidates who are daily trying to make their way to top. And Bruce Jenner is now known as Caitlin Jenner. These news stories have stirred up quite the amount of opinions and thoughts across social media and daily conversation that sometimes make me cringe in disappointment or embarrassment for some of the comments that are said.

I’ve learned to live by trying my best not to judge someone based on my own life experiences, beliefs, or opinions. I have realized I have absolutely no idea how I would feel or react in a situation unless I have lived it.

I will never understand how it feels to be in a homosexual relationship and not have the ability to get married. I personally don’t think anyone else should really care that much if two males or females want to get married because they genuinely love each other and want to make a public commitment to each other in front of their family and friends through marriage. It doesn’t affect my life except I know that there will be more love in the world and hopefully in result of that love the world will become a happier place.

I realize I will never know how it feels to have lost an infant child. I have never been in that position. How can I judge how one grieves, how one might struggle through holidays and birthdays, and how one longs to fill that void in their life. Yes, I have suffered loss but in such a different way that I can’t even try to compare my feelings to that situation.

Can I understand why someone would not want to have more than one child? No. I don’t understand their circumstances or feelings on the decision. I cannot even begin to think about how it is to juggle motherhood, a job, a marriage and a social life with one child let alone two. I simply cannot judge someone who feels their family is complete with one child. Nor can I judge someone who says motherhood is hard. I haven’t been in that situation although someday I hope to be so I can realize their struggle was real and these are real life issues people deal with day in and day out.

Should I have the right to judge another woman who was sitting at that clinic with me who was in a totally different situation than I was in? I have no idea what their reason for being there that day was. Was it because they financially couldn’t afford to raise another child? Did they know that they were in a situation where the child would not be safe when coming into this world? Were they in fear of what their parents would do or say to them if they had found out and knew this was the best decision for them? I don’t know. I will never know and honestly I may not always agree with their decision but I will however not judge them. They were strong enough to know that this was the best decision for themselves, their family, and the baby’s life regardless the reasons behind it. I can only respect them for making the best decision for them at the present moment.

Should I expect someone to attempt to put their selves in my situation and hypothetically determine what they would have done? Of course people have and I’m sure they have judged me and not agreed with my decision. I understand it is hard not to try to understand by trying to put your own feelings and thoughts in those tough situations. But I will advise from my personal experiences don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Be conscious of the things you might say as they might be offensive and unintentionally hurt someone else. Now I’m not saying you’re not entitled to your own opinion I’m just saying sometimes those opinions are better expressed in different ways or different situations.  Everyone has been given their own life to live and navigate. Just like no two snowflakes are alike no two people’s lives are going to be exactly the same. This is was make life so interesting and exciting. There are always new things to learn and new people to meet and learn their story. Keep on experiencing life and sometimes realize you may not understand someone’s struggles or successes until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

Embracing the Present

In attempt to embrace the fact that I was not pregnant any longer, I told my husband I wanted to do all the things I could not do while I was pregnant.  That included eating sushi, having a few drinks, eating lunch meat, doing all workout movements I wanted, and lastly going to Skyzone. I figured if this is the present state I was going to be in I was going to take advantage of it! It wasn't my ideal situation but it was the cards I was dealt so I was going to roll with it.

I successfully hit one of those pregnant avoidance's the day after our termination at our favorite sushi joint with a large plate of sashimi. I secondly enjoyed a nice glass of red wine in Florida the week following. I've definitely had my fair share of lunch meat and have been doing every high impact workout activity as soon as I was release to exercise again. And lastly a month following the termination I made it to Skyzone to jump on the trampolines and do some flips into the foam pit.

Now don’t get me wrong I wish my situation was different but I am trying to continue to live my life to the fullest. I’m going to take advantage of every opportunity I’m given. I happened to have a work trip planned to California and then Arizona and my sister had planned to tag along for the first part of the trip to spend some time in the Cali sun. At the time we had not planned to go to Disneyland since I would not have been able to ride the rides but since my condition had changed we decided to go to Disney’s California Adventure. I made sure we rode all the roller coasters and any other ride I could get my sister to ride. I was getting my money’s worth as well as soaking up this opportunity that had been presented.  

So presently as my husband and I are grieving, healing, and trying to look at the brightside of life  we are going to enjoy some fun times together as a couple and with friends and family. I found comfort in this quote by the one and only Budda,  "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." This is what I will try to do for the next few months as I adjust to my life experiences in the last few months and try not to think about the future of our family too much although I know that will be the hard part. 

A Humbled Reflection on Sharing My Blog

It's been almost one week since sharing my blog. I would have to assume most who were going to read the blog have read it by now. And “wow” is the word that comes to mind when I think about all the support I’ve gotten after posting my story. I am truly humbled by the amount of people who have read it and been brave enough to send their love and support over a tough subject for many to think about let alone talk about.  Although, I know not everyone will agree with my decision I do believe that sharing my story has really helped my husband and I heal tremendously even in the few short days since I have posted the blog to social media. Never did I imagine so many people would actually click that link and then actually read the posts. I'd like to THANK every single one of you who have taken any amount of time out of your busy lives to read anything on my blog. 

Moving forward I plan to continue to post about life and the journey we have moving forward in our healing process. Hopefully, I have some more positive stories to share in the future. In fact, I know I will because my husband and I have been keeping positive thoughts for the future and we have continued to fill our life laughter, love, and fun times. 

My favorite Disney movie happens to also have my favorite quote to live by, 

"Keep Moving Forward."

Don't Try to Compare Loss

After the procedure I had no regrets but I did feel alone in my experience. Don't get me wrong I knew of several friends who had lost babies due to miscarriage but my situation was different. It wasn't a spontaneous loss of the baby. I didn't feel comforted by people who said they've been in my shoes. I highly doubt they have been. I didn't enjoy comments that told me miscarriage happens 1 in 5 pregnancies. It hurt when people would ask if I forgot to take my pre-natal vitamins. It killed my soul when someone would say maybe it had to do with what kind of workout activities I was doing although if they knew anything we went through to get pregnant they would have known I've been very restricted.

It became very apparent either people had experienced loss and I respected that and glad they were trying to be comforting or they had no idea and would immediately insert mouth into foot with an ignorant comment. Luckily I had a thick skin and a good friend who had told me as soon as everything started to happen that she apologized for the ignorant comments people would say to me. 

Now don't get my wrong I appreciated every single thoughts, prayer, note, card, text, and flower that was sent to me. They were all meant well and I know no one was meaning to be hurtful but sometimes things people said were not helpful. I just was struggling to really connect to anyone else who has walked in my shoes. I just wanted someone to eventually open up and say I've suffered loss but in a little different way similar to my situation. 

In attempt to not feel alone I started searching around on the Internet for articles, books, blogs, etc. that would help. Here are some of the resources I found that made me realize I wasn't alone in receiving some hurtful comments and advice but this also helped me realize I had to come clean and tell the whole story. 

Articles:
There Is A Story Behind Every Loss

I am the face of a Heartbreaking Choice

My Abortion at 23 weeks

Book:
Our Heartbreaking Choices

In conclusion, a piece of advice to myself and anyone else who has a co-worker, family member, friend, etc. experience loss. Don't try to say something that might make them feel better. Just say I'm sorry for your loss. Ask them if you can do anything. Ask them if they want to talk. I unfortunately experienced this first hand on the other side as a friend of a bereaved parent almost a year ago when one of my best friends lost their son. I didn't know what to say or do but I knew the last thing I wanted to do was accidentally offend them in some way shape or form. I quickly realized these items were off the list of things to say:

Six Things Never to Say to a Bereaved Parent

Coming Out about our TFMR

Unfortunately, we realized over the past year based on events that have happened to friends that life is not fair. It's hard to think that things don't happen for a reason especially since that is what everyone always says.  But no one is immune to suffering and asking why won't change the situation. Knowing why won't change it, however, you can change and choose to find the message in it all. We couldn't change the cards we were dealt but we did have the choice to make our decision moving forward. Beyond deciding to terminate our pregnancy we have decided to share our story and experience. Talking about any type of pregnancy loss or struggle to get pregnant is taboo to speak of in our society and through abortion into the mix and you might get into a heated discussion but it happens this is life. We figured we'd rather have love and support from friends and family then them left wondering and filling in the blanks themselves. So this is our story. My husband and I have come along way through the first year of our marriage. We've experienced things we hope no one else will have to go through. We became part of the one million people who have an abortion each year. We added to the statistic that states 1 in 10 abortions are made for medical 

reasons. And now we've become some of the few people have decided not to be silent. We don't need people to agree with us or debate with us as to why they think we were wrong. It was a decision that was for us to make as a couple. We do hope people will have a new realization that things aren't always as they seem. We hope people will express compassion to everyone they know and not be to quick to judge others. Do not think you know what you would do in someone else's situation until you are faced with it. Be a better friend and help them if they are in need. Let them know you are thinking about them.  

Always Knew Love

Many ask "how did you decide to choose what you did?" My husband and I have always been on the same page on when comes to choices that affect our life together. We knew our baby girl was given the diagonsis in which if she had made it to full term would have been very short and would have consisted of physical pain for her. We wanted a baby so badly but we knew what we had to do. We knew when we became parents at day one after conception we were responsible for the the welfare and protection of the life inside me. We decided to take on the lifetime of emotional pain ourselves so that our little one would not have to feel one moment of physical pain. Never did we imagine when we elected to get the screening test done we would make the decision to terminate but love is a powerful motivator and will make you bring great heartache upon ourself to spare a loved one from suffering. We feel we were given the opportunity to learn about our baby's condition in order to act upon it out of compassion and love. So that's what we did.  We ended a lifetime of suffering for our baby at 15 weeks and 5 days. Myself nor the baby felt anything. She was never touched my fear, she was never cold, never hungry, never alone and more importantly she always knew love.

Saying Goodbye without being able to say Hello

4:30 AM

Alarm goes off, shower, get dressed, no breakfast allowed today

5:00 AM

Get into car start drive to Louisville

6:00 AM

Stop at McDonald’s to use restroom and grab dear husband breakfast, still no breakfast for me

7:00 AM

Arrive in downtown Louisville. Drive around the block to locate the destination and scope out the protestors. I luckily am a great Googler and had found out that this clinic was very well known for large protests pretty much every day. There are already at least 10 protestors hanging outside of the clinic carrying very disturbing signs. We knew this was going to be quite the experience.

7:15 AM

Start to walk to the clinic. Stopped by the clinic escorts telling us the clinic will not open their doors until 7:30. It’s best to stay in our car to avoid having to listen to protestors scream at you while waiting to get inside. One of the escorts would come up to let us know when she saw the clinic staff arrive.

Waiting the 15 minutes seemed like an eternity. I was very anxious. I had step my upcoming day into four steps. And getting into the clinic past the protestors was step 1.

7:25 AM

Escort comes to get us from our car. We start out from the parking garage to the clinic front doors. As soon as we get down the stairs outside of the garage protestors are standing there waiting for us. They start to rattle off their propaganda, “We can help you. We have other options.” They said they have a facility nearby that can help us save our baby, etc. You get the idea. The escorts attempt to comfort us by saying we don’t have to listen to them and let us know that we almost to the front doors. This continues until we reach the front doors at the clinic where we are greeted by someone opening the door for the incoming patients.

7:30 AM

While waiting in line you can see the protestors through the tinted windows. I could not believe some of the chants or songs I heard. One patient was unlucky; she got followed by a rather intense protestor. He literally screamed in her face the entire way down the sidewalk until she reached the front door.

7:45 AM

Checked in and sitting the waiting room while the rest of the patients get registered.

8:00 AM

All patients are brought back into the facility alone. No friend, husband, family member is allowed back beyond the waiting room doors. We are told to sit in another room with chairs to wait to be called to for our procedures and then to get our lab work and ultrasound done.

8:15 AM

I am first to get my payment taken care of. The clinic director also proceeds to tell me that since I am here for a therapeutic termination that my husband can come back to sit with me until it is time for me to go into the procedure.  This might have been the best news of the day. I wouldn’t be alone sitting waiting and neither would my husband. After getting my payment taken care of, I then got my vitals taken, blood drawn, and ultrasound performed. I was absolutely dreading the ultrasound. I did not want to have to look. Luckily, there was not a screen other than the one for the ultrasound tech.

9:00 AM

My husband got to join me inside the clinic and in a private waiting room where we were separate from the other patients.

9:10 AM

We get to watch a video about the procedure. We then are taken into a counselor’s office to discuss any questions we had, the procedure, and to make sure I was making this choice myself and not anyone else was pressuring me to have this procedure performed.  We then went back to our waiting room until the doctor arrived.

9:45 AM

The doctor had arrived and I was taken back to a private room for to have the first part of the procedure completed. We were lucky to have found out the diagnosis as early as we did. I was just under 16 weeks and between 12 – 16 weeks the procedure was one day. After 16 weeks it turned into a two day procedure.

The doctor spoke to me for a few minutes. She first gave her sentiments that our baby had trisomy 13. She asked why we came traveled to Louisville. She was surprised to hear that there were not any facilities near where we lived. I told her I was glad to have a great ob/gyn practice that was although not able to perform the procedure themselves but were willing to help me do what I wanted and ultimately find this clinic for me.

She then explained the first part of the procedure which I had read a lot about online so I felt prepared. She inserted the laminaria into my cervix which are thin sticks made from a special seaweed material that widen as they absorb moisture from your body. This was probably the most physically painful part of the procedure. Immediately, I had some cramping and really felt uncomfortable. I then went back to waiting room. I was to keep the laminaria in for 2 hours before the second part of the procedure would occur. This was my step 2. Step 2 done and two more to go.

10:00 AM

For the next hour and a half my husband and I hung out in one of the waiting rooms away from the rest of the patients. On this particular day there were around 15 women there getting similar procedures to terminate their pregnancy.  Some were very early on in their pregnancy and would be given medical abortions to stop their pregnancy. And the others were there for surgical abortions which would require surgery including general anesthesia. During this downtime, my husband tried to catch a cat nap while listening to music. I watched a movie to help pass the time and keep my mind from thinking about what was really going on and the pain I was in. I couldn’t bear to cry in the clinic. I put on my strong face and carried that with me for the rest of the day.

11:40 AM

It was time for other patients and me to be moved downstairs to surgery prep. At this time my husband was to go back to the original waiting room with the other people who were there accompanying their respective patients. We all went down stairs and were told to change into gowns. We were given lockers for our belongings. Then we told to move onto our hospital gurney.

Waiting in this cold room was quite a lonely experience and somber. There were 6 other women in the room awaiting their turn for surgery. We were first greeted by the doctor and then the anesthesiologist. We signed that we understood the risks involved with the anesthesia. Then one by one the nurse inserted an arterial catheter for and IV. A few of us including myself were given Pitocin via an IV to help the cervix dilate even more.

One by one were wheeled into the operation room with about 15 – 20 minutes between each patient from what I could estimate without any clock or watch. This was the hardest time for me. I was left with only my thoughts. Nothing to distract me: no noise, no talking, nothing to watch, not even a clock. I spent a majority of the time holding back tears and emotion as the room was so silent you could have heard a pin drop. I actually was so tired due to the lack of sleep over the past few days I kept drifting to sleep for a few seconds and awaking back up. 

12:30 PM

It was finally my turn. The nurse wheeled me into the operating room. I was assisted onto the table and my legs were placed in stirrups. My D&E procedure was ready to be performed. All of the proper tools that assisted the doctor had been put into perfect location and new sterile tools were being opened for me.  The anesthesist said she was going to hook me up to an IV that would make me sleepy. I replied that I was so tired I'm just going to close my eyes. Step three was complete and I was drifting off to sleep for the next ten minutes with the procedure was completed. 

12:50 PM

The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room. I vaguely remember being helped off the gurney into the chair in recovery. The only reason I recall that was because I remember the nurse telling my to hold my sanitary napkin in place. Now step four was upon me: get awake and stay awake so I could be released from recovery. I knew the best way I would come out of anesthesia was to talk based on previous experience. So I'm pretty sure I was asking all kinds of questions and might have been chatting with another patient in the room. I felt as if I drunk so who knows what I said. I also remember wanting to get the catheter out of my arm. I was told several times I had to keep it in my arm until I was changed. 

The nurse handed me  Advil and ginger ale once I seemed awake enough. I refused the Advil as I cannot swallow pills but gladly accepted the ginger ale. I was so thirty as I hadn't had more than a few ounces of water upon waking up which at this time was seven hours ago. I was also slightly hungry but the only thing they had to offer was crackers and being gluten free I just asked for more ginger ale. 

1:00 PM

I'm not entirely sure how long I was in recovery but it couldn't have been long. Before I knew it I was being asked to use the restroom and then change back into my clothes. This was quite the experience as their was a step back unit the locker room. I am pretty sure I almost fell over getting back in there. The feeling of having a fun night out of drinking was still present. I successfully changed back into my clothes and then was told to come back to the recovery room so remove the catheter. It felt so great to have this removed. After that the nurse said I seemed so alert, from talking of course, that I was ready to be released. She went over the post-op instructions and gave me a prescription for antibiotics. I was then escorted back up to my husband and we were free to leave. 

1:20 PM 

After a big hug, we were on our way back to our car. The protestors were gone and the city was quiet. We arrived back into the car I immediately took some pain medicine along with a snack and large bottle of water. We were on our   two hour drive back home together and I was no longer pregnant.