Walk a Mile in My Shoes

Within the last year a lot has changed in my world as well as the world around me. Personally it’s been almost one year since my husband and I got married. It’s been over 6 months since traveled across the world to the land down under. And now it’s been over 2 months since we said goodbye without being able to say hello to our baby girl. It’s been a month or more since the Supreme Court ruled in support of gay marriage. There are now over 20 presidential candidates who are daily trying to make their way to top. And Bruce Jenner is now known as Caitlin Jenner. These news stories have stirred up quite the amount of opinions and thoughts across social media and daily conversation that sometimes make me cringe in disappointment or embarrassment for some of the comments that are said.

I’ve learned to live by trying my best not to judge someone based on my own life experiences, beliefs, or opinions. I have realized I have absolutely no idea how I would feel or react in a situation unless I have lived it.

I will never understand how it feels to be in a homosexual relationship and not have the ability to get married. I personally don’t think anyone else should really care that much if two males or females want to get married because they genuinely love each other and want to make a public commitment to each other in front of their family and friends through marriage. It doesn’t affect my life except I know that there will be more love in the world and hopefully in result of that love the world will become a happier place.

I realize I will never know how it feels to have lost an infant child. I have never been in that position. How can I judge how one grieves, how one might struggle through holidays and birthdays, and how one longs to fill that void in their life. Yes, I have suffered loss but in such a different way that I can’t even try to compare my feelings to that situation.

Can I understand why someone would not want to have more than one child? No. I don’t understand their circumstances or feelings on the decision. I cannot even begin to think about how it is to juggle motherhood, a job, a marriage and a social life with one child let alone two. I simply cannot judge someone who feels their family is complete with one child. Nor can I judge someone who says motherhood is hard. I haven’t been in that situation although someday I hope to be so I can realize their struggle was real and these are real life issues people deal with day in and day out.

Should I have the right to judge another woman who was sitting at that clinic with me who was in a totally different situation than I was in? I have no idea what their reason for being there that day was. Was it because they financially couldn’t afford to raise another child? Did they know that they were in a situation where the child would not be safe when coming into this world? Were they in fear of what their parents would do or say to them if they had found out and knew this was the best decision for them? I don’t know. I will never know and honestly I may not always agree with their decision but I will however not judge them. They were strong enough to know that this was the best decision for themselves, their family, and the baby’s life regardless the reasons behind it. I can only respect them for making the best decision for them at the present moment.

Should I expect someone to attempt to put their selves in my situation and hypothetically determine what they would have done? Of course people have and I’m sure they have judged me and not agreed with my decision. I understand it is hard not to try to understand by trying to put your own feelings and thoughts in those tough situations. But I will advise from my personal experiences don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Be conscious of the things you might say as they might be offensive and unintentionally hurt someone else. Now I’m not saying you’re not entitled to your own opinion I’m just saying sometimes those opinions are better expressed in different ways or different situations.  Everyone has been given their own life to live and navigate. Just like no two snowflakes are alike no two people’s lives are going to be exactly the same. This is was make life so interesting and exciting. There are always new things to learn and new people to meet and learn their story. Keep on experiencing life and sometimes realize you may not understand someone’s struggles or successes until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

Controversial?

In order to even get pregnant with our angel baby we had to go through some fertility treatments which were obviously very successful as we got pregnant on the first try. Now that we are in the position of healing and determining what we want to do or need to do moving forward we went to meet with that miracle doctor to get his thoughts. I had actually called the doctor’s office a few days after the termination to let them know the news. The doctor himself called me later that day to send his condolences and reassure me if we needed him again for help he had no doubt I could get pregnant again relatively quickly. He said come back and let’s talk when you are ready.

So we arrive for our consultation. It was eerie to be back in the office once again with no baby in tow. Never did I think I would be back here so soon. Of course I thought once I had the baby I’d go visit and then potentially need to come back when we wanted to expand our family again but never did I think I would be back less than 3 months later in a totally different situation. We sit down with the doctor and he asks how we are doing, we say fine. He then replies with some condolences and a phrase I never thought I’d ever hear from a medical professional, “all you can say is f**k” in reference to receiving the news that the baby had trisomy 13. He goes on to explain there was nothing anyone could have done differently. It’s one of those situations where all you can do is say f**k! (This totally reminded me of the song "Totally F**ked" from Spring Awakening. If you haven't seen it please add it to you list and then look up the song). He then asks how we are doing. I explain I have been writing this blog and it has been a great release and healing technique. We then told him that we decided to share the details and actual story with the “world” although it might have been somewhat controversial. He replied, “Controversial? What do you mean the baby had maybe days, hours to live if it made it that far? The disorder is incompatible with life.  That’s not controversial at all.”  Hearing this, to be honest, was a breath of fresh air. Although, many cannot even fathom what they would have done in our situation we are satisfied with our decision. We have no regrets. We know this was the best decision for us. We couldn’t control what cards we were dealt. It does no good to ask why and dwell on the reality we were in. We had to keep moving forward.

I always knew I choose this doctor for his honestly and straight to the point answers but at that moment I knew he was the right choice to help us get the family we desired so badly.  He was straight forward and no bull. He gave us some advice moving forward. I’m sure many are wondering when we will start trying again to get pregnant and right now I don’t think I’m going to share those journey details via my blog. I plan to continue to write them but will delay publishing the post for some time. Maybe it’ll be once we are pregnant again or maybe sooner I’m not quite sure yet. There is a lot of unknown ahead of us and for now I think I’m going to keep the majority of it private as it is a stressful and sensitive process. I will continue to write my thoughts in the meantime. I have saved a lot of articles over the past few months and have a lot of thoughts I’d like to share from my point of view. Stay tuned!

Embracing the Present

In attempt to embrace the fact that I was not pregnant any longer, I told my husband I wanted to do all the things I could not do while I was pregnant.  That included eating sushi, having a few drinks, eating lunch meat, doing all workout movements I wanted, and lastly going to Skyzone. I figured if this is the present state I was going to be in I was going to take advantage of it! It wasn't my ideal situation but it was the cards I was dealt so I was going to roll with it.

I successfully hit one of those pregnant avoidance's the day after our termination at our favorite sushi joint with a large plate of sashimi. I secondly enjoyed a nice glass of red wine in Florida the week following. I've definitely had my fair share of lunch meat and have been doing every high impact workout activity as soon as I was release to exercise again. And lastly a month following the termination I made it to Skyzone to jump on the trampolines and do some flips into the foam pit.

Now don’t get me wrong I wish my situation was different but I am trying to continue to live my life to the fullest. I’m going to take advantage of every opportunity I’m given. I happened to have a work trip planned to California and then Arizona and my sister had planned to tag along for the first part of the trip to spend some time in the Cali sun. At the time we had not planned to go to Disneyland since I would not have been able to ride the rides but since my condition had changed we decided to go to Disney’s California Adventure. I made sure we rode all the roller coasters and any other ride I could get my sister to ride. I was getting my money’s worth as well as soaking up this opportunity that had been presented.  

So presently as my husband and I are grieving, healing, and trying to look at the brightside of life  we are going to enjoy some fun times together as a couple and with friends and family. I found comfort in this quote by the one and only Budda,  "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." This is what I will try to do for the next few months as I adjust to my life experiences in the last few months and try not to think about the future of our family too much although I know that will be the hard part.