It's not just about the gender!

I get it. Once you find out your pregnant you initially are super excited and wonder how life will change. You then start wondering what the gender is, what you’ll name the kid, and how you’ll decorate the nursery. I understand pregnancy is exciting, well for most, but is also one of those things where so much has to go right it is sometimes amazing to think about how many people are on this earth! Yeah you’re right most couples do not even ever let this thought cross their mind but if you have been faced with heartbreak and realize things don’t always go as planned you can’t help to think about it.

Most couples once they get past the 12 week mark and tell their family and friends their expecting the next question people ask is “are you going to find out the gender?” These days this is a typical practice. Not many parents or anyone who knows the baby is surprised at the time of birth of the gender or name for that matter. Yes, I understand why one would look forward to the 20 week ultrasound but what people don’t realize is that this ultrasound is not performed for the sole reason of finding out the gender of their baby. The priority of the ultrasound is not for finding out the gender nor is that a requirement.

The 20 week ultrasound is actually referred to in the medical world as a level II 20 week anatomy scan. The purpose of this very important appointment is to look at all the anatomy of the baby. There is an entire list the ultrasound technician is taught to follow and check out. They look at the heart, brain, kidneys, stomach, hands, feet, leg bones, arm bones, etc. They make sure the locations of the organs are on the correct side of the body. And lastly if the baby is in a good position they will look at the exterior sex organs.

The reason they look at all of these items of the body is to pick up any potential soft markers that might indicate a problem with how the baby has grown. Coming from a pregnancy where I had a level II ultrasound at 15 weeks for the sole reason of looking for soft markers and then an amniocentesis, I can’t say I have been in a normal 20 week anatomy scan but what I can say is that every new area the ultrasound technician looks at in the future I’ll be holding my breath just waiting for their response on whether it looks normal or not because who am I kidding I can barely make out the basic anatomy of the head, rump, arms, and legs of an ultrasound photo.

So to all my friends I’m super excited for you and your new little one on the way but regardless whether you decide to find out the gender (props to all of you who don’t, I don’t think I could do that!) when I ask how your 20 week ultrasound went I don’t want the first thing out of your mouth to be to be “it’s a girl” or “it’s a boy.” I’m asking because I have been one of those women who have sat there watching soft markers show up on the screen. I have also been there hearing stories from friends who went into that scan hoping to confirm the gender and walking out not even knowing or caring because of what else was discovered. I want to know everything is looking good with your little bundle of joy because I worry for everyone whether they worry themselves or even know I think about them often. In my book, the first thing I want for everyone is a healthy baby regardless of the gender including for myself although I understand you can want one gender over the other. I cannot deny I have those preferences as well but only after clean bill of health of course! So please tell me everything looked great and then tell me the gender (if you found out) so I can start planning a creative baby gift! 

A word of caution to anyone in the future who asks me “what I’m having” after my 20 week ultrasound, I will not reply girl or boy whether I know or not and regardless whether my husband and decide we will share the gender news with friends and family. I will simply reply “it’s a puppy.” :) 

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

Within the last year a lot has changed in my world as well as the world around me. Personally it’s been almost one year since my husband and I got married. It’s been over 6 months since traveled across the world to the land down under. And now it’s been over 2 months since we said goodbye without being able to say hello to our baby girl. It’s been a month or more since the Supreme Court ruled in support of gay marriage. There are now over 20 presidential candidates who are daily trying to make their way to top. And Bruce Jenner is now known as Caitlin Jenner. These news stories have stirred up quite the amount of opinions and thoughts across social media and daily conversation that sometimes make me cringe in disappointment or embarrassment for some of the comments that are said.

I’ve learned to live by trying my best not to judge someone based on my own life experiences, beliefs, or opinions. I have realized I have absolutely no idea how I would feel or react in a situation unless I have lived it.

I will never understand how it feels to be in a homosexual relationship and not have the ability to get married. I personally don’t think anyone else should really care that much if two males or females want to get married because they genuinely love each other and want to make a public commitment to each other in front of their family and friends through marriage. It doesn’t affect my life except I know that there will be more love in the world and hopefully in result of that love the world will become a happier place.

I realize I will never know how it feels to have lost an infant child. I have never been in that position. How can I judge how one grieves, how one might struggle through holidays and birthdays, and how one longs to fill that void in their life. Yes, I have suffered loss but in such a different way that I can’t even try to compare my feelings to that situation.

Can I understand why someone would not want to have more than one child? No. I don’t understand their circumstances or feelings on the decision. I cannot even begin to think about how it is to juggle motherhood, a job, a marriage and a social life with one child let alone two. I simply cannot judge someone who feels their family is complete with one child. Nor can I judge someone who says motherhood is hard. I haven’t been in that situation although someday I hope to be so I can realize their struggle was real and these are real life issues people deal with day in and day out.

Should I have the right to judge another woman who was sitting at that clinic with me who was in a totally different situation than I was in? I have no idea what their reason for being there that day was. Was it because they financially couldn’t afford to raise another child? Did they know that they were in a situation where the child would not be safe when coming into this world? Were they in fear of what their parents would do or say to them if they had found out and knew this was the best decision for them? I don’t know. I will never know and honestly I may not always agree with their decision but I will however not judge them. They were strong enough to know that this was the best decision for themselves, their family, and the baby’s life regardless the reasons behind it. I can only respect them for making the best decision for them at the present moment.

Should I expect someone to attempt to put their selves in my situation and hypothetically determine what they would have done? Of course people have and I’m sure they have judged me and not agreed with my decision. I understand it is hard not to try to understand by trying to put your own feelings and thoughts in those tough situations. But I will advise from my personal experiences don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Be conscious of the things you might say as they might be offensive and unintentionally hurt someone else. Now I’m not saying you’re not entitled to your own opinion I’m just saying sometimes those opinions are better expressed in different ways or different situations.  Everyone has been given their own life to live and navigate. Just like no two snowflakes are alike no two people’s lives are going to be exactly the same. This is was make life so interesting and exciting. There are always new things to learn and new people to meet and learn their story. Keep on experiencing life and sometimes realize you may not understand someone’s struggles or successes until you have walked a mile in their shoes.