Walk a Mile in My Shoes

Within the last year a lot has changed in my world as well as the world around me. Personally it’s been almost one year since my husband and I got married. It’s been over 6 months since traveled across the world to the land down under. And now it’s been over 2 months since we said goodbye without being able to say hello to our baby girl. It’s been a month or more since the Supreme Court ruled in support of gay marriage. There are now over 20 presidential candidates who are daily trying to make their way to top. And Bruce Jenner is now known as Caitlin Jenner. These news stories have stirred up quite the amount of opinions and thoughts across social media and daily conversation that sometimes make me cringe in disappointment or embarrassment for some of the comments that are said.

I’ve learned to live by trying my best not to judge someone based on my own life experiences, beliefs, or opinions. I have realized I have absolutely no idea how I would feel or react in a situation unless I have lived it.

I will never understand how it feels to be in a homosexual relationship and not have the ability to get married. I personally don’t think anyone else should really care that much if two males or females want to get married because they genuinely love each other and want to make a public commitment to each other in front of their family and friends through marriage. It doesn’t affect my life except I know that there will be more love in the world and hopefully in result of that love the world will become a happier place.

I realize I will never know how it feels to have lost an infant child. I have never been in that position. How can I judge how one grieves, how one might struggle through holidays and birthdays, and how one longs to fill that void in their life. Yes, I have suffered loss but in such a different way that I can’t even try to compare my feelings to that situation.

Can I understand why someone would not want to have more than one child? No. I don’t understand their circumstances or feelings on the decision. I cannot even begin to think about how it is to juggle motherhood, a job, a marriage and a social life with one child let alone two. I simply cannot judge someone who feels their family is complete with one child. Nor can I judge someone who says motherhood is hard. I haven’t been in that situation although someday I hope to be so I can realize their struggle was real and these are real life issues people deal with day in and day out.

Should I have the right to judge another woman who was sitting at that clinic with me who was in a totally different situation than I was in? I have no idea what their reason for being there that day was. Was it because they financially couldn’t afford to raise another child? Did they know that they were in a situation where the child would not be safe when coming into this world? Were they in fear of what their parents would do or say to them if they had found out and knew this was the best decision for them? I don’t know. I will never know and honestly I may not always agree with their decision but I will however not judge them. They were strong enough to know that this was the best decision for themselves, their family, and the baby’s life regardless the reasons behind it. I can only respect them for making the best decision for them at the present moment.

Should I expect someone to attempt to put their selves in my situation and hypothetically determine what they would have done? Of course people have and I’m sure they have judged me and not agreed with my decision. I understand it is hard not to try to understand by trying to put your own feelings and thoughts in those tough situations. But I will advise from my personal experiences don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Be conscious of the things you might say as they might be offensive and unintentionally hurt someone else. Now I’m not saying you’re not entitled to your own opinion I’m just saying sometimes those opinions are better expressed in different ways or different situations.  Everyone has been given their own life to live and navigate. Just like no two snowflakes are alike no two people’s lives are going to be exactly the same. This is was make life so interesting and exciting. There are always new things to learn and new people to meet and learn their story. Keep on experiencing life and sometimes realize you may not understand someone’s struggles or successes until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

Coming Out about our TFMR

Unfortunately, we realized over the past year based on events that have happened to friends that life is not fair. It's hard to think that things don't happen for a reason especially since that is what everyone always says.  But no one is immune to suffering and asking why won't change the situation. Knowing why won't change it, however, you can change and choose to find the message in it all. We couldn't change the cards we were dealt but we did have the choice to make our decision moving forward. Beyond deciding to terminate our pregnancy we have decided to share our story and experience. Talking about any type of pregnancy loss or struggle to get pregnant is taboo to speak of in our society and through abortion into the mix and you might get into a heated discussion but it happens this is life. We figured we'd rather have love and support from friends and family then them left wondering and filling in the blanks themselves. So this is our story. My husband and I have come along way through the first year of our marriage. We've experienced things we hope no one else will have to go through. We became part of the one million people who have an abortion each year. We added to the statistic that states 1 in 10 abortions are made for medical 

reasons. And now we've become some of the few people have decided not to be silent. We don't need people to agree with us or debate with us as to why they think we were wrong. It was a decision that was for us to make as a couple. We do hope people will have a new realization that things aren't always as they seem. We hope people will express compassion to everyone they know and not be to quick to judge others. Do not think you know what you would do in someone else's situation until you are faced with it. Be a better friend and help them if they are in need. Let them know you are thinking about them.  

Always Knew Love

Many ask "how did you decide to choose what you did?" My husband and I have always been on the same page on when comes to choices that affect our life together. We knew our baby girl was given the diagonsis in which if she had made it to full term would have been very short and would have consisted of physical pain for her. We wanted a baby so badly but we knew what we had to do. We knew when we became parents at day one after conception we were responsible for the the welfare and protection of the life inside me. We decided to take on the lifetime of emotional pain ourselves so that our little one would not have to feel one moment of physical pain. Never did we imagine when we elected to get the screening test done we would make the decision to terminate but love is a powerful motivator and will make you bring great heartache upon ourself to spare a loved one from suffering. We feel we were given the opportunity to learn about our baby's condition in order to act upon it out of compassion and love. So that's what we did.  We ended a lifetime of suffering for our baby at 15 weeks and 5 days. Myself nor the baby felt anything. She was never touched my fear, she was never cold, never hungry, never alone and more importantly she always knew love.