Controversial?

In order to even get pregnant with our angel baby we had to go through some fertility treatments which were obviously very successful as we got pregnant on the first try. Now that we are in the position of healing and determining what we want to do or need to do moving forward we went to meet with that miracle doctor to get his thoughts. I had actually called the doctor’s office a few days after the termination to let them know the news. The doctor himself called me later that day to send his condolences and reassure me if we needed him again for help he had no doubt I could get pregnant again relatively quickly. He said come back and let’s talk when you are ready.

So we arrive for our consultation. It was eerie to be back in the office once again with no baby in tow. Never did I think I would be back here so soon. Of course I thought once I had the baby I’d go visit and then potentially need to come back when we wanted to expand our family again but never did I think I would be back less than 3 months later in a totally different situation. We sit down with the doctor and he asks how we are doing, we say fine. He then replies with some condolences and a phrase I never thought I’d ever hear from a medical professional, “all you can say is f**k” in reference to receiving the news that the baby had trisomy 13. He goes on to explain there was nothing anyone could have done differently. It’s one of those situations where all you can do is say f**k! (This totally reminded me of the song "Totally F**ked" from Spring Awakening. If you haven't seen it please add it to you list and then look up the song). He then asks how we are doing. I explain I have been writing this blog and it has been a great release and healing technique. We then told him that we decided to share the details and actual story with the “world” although it might have been somewhat controversial. He replied, “Controversial? What do you mean the baby had maybe days, hours to live if it made it that far? The disorder is incompatible with life.  That’s not controversial at all.”  Hearing this, to be honest, was a breath of fresh air. Although, many cannot even fathom what they would have done in our situation we are satisfied with our decision. We have no regrets. We know this was the best decision for us. We couldn’t control what cards we were dealt. It does no good to ask why and dwell on the reality we were in. We had to keep moving forward.

I always knew I choose this doctor for his honestly and straight to the point answers but at that moment I knew he was the right choice to help us get the family we desired so badly.  He was straight forward and no bull. He gave us some advice moving forward. I’m sure many are wondering when we will start trying again to get pregnant and right now I don’t think I’m going to share those journey details via my blog. I plan to continue to write them but will delay publishing the post for some time. Maybe it’ll be once we are pregnant again or maybe sooner I’m not quite sure yet. There is a lot of unknown ahead of us and for now I think I’m going to keep the majority of it private as it is a stressful and sensitive process. I will continue to write my thoughts in the meantime. I have saved a lot of articles over the past few months and have a lot of thoughts I’d like to share from my point of view. Stay tuned!

12.5 weeks

At 12.5 weeks we had our first encounter with our new ob/gyn practice. We choose the practice due to a recommendation by our RE doctor and the proximity of the office to the hospital we intended to deliver at. There are five doctors at this practice so we will see all five during the time before delivery since when I deliver the doctor we have will depend on who is on call that day.

The first appointment was good but a little longer than anticipated. Up until this point I had been able to avoid the dreading pee in the cup and regular well women checks. Well this practice was not letting me slip away from that anymore. First we had an ultrasound and got to see our little plum. (We have a name each week based on the size of the baby according to the bump app). It seemed to be either sucking its thumb or trying to hide its face as its hands were constantly moving to and from the face. We also got to hear the heartbeat which once again was pretty cool.

We next met with one of the doctors. She asked if I had any questions and of course the first thing on my mind was her suggestions on exercise and activity. She said she recommends women to do no more than what they were doing prior to pregnancy. So I told her my history and that I had been limiting myself to working up to 140bpm and avoiding running and jumping. I asked if I could raise that heart rate a little more and add some running and jumping into my routine. She said if you feel well enough to do so, go for it. The main goal was to not over exhaust yourself and make sure you can breathe during the exercise.

I decided that I would self-impose a heartbeat limit on myself of 160bpm or so. I knew this would be far enough on the heart rate scale for me to really get in some better exercise that didn’t make me want to go to sleep as one of my friends stated. I was so excited to be able to run and jump rope again. I was getting really sick of rowing all the time at such a slow pace!

Overall, the appointment went well. I was sent off with a bag full of paperwork and information to read. I of course got through the material fairly quickly and realized this is what normal women get earlier on rather than having to rely on Google to answer pregnancy questions. 

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My New BFF

After my 6 week ultrasound I was permission to increase my activity but I had to keep heart rate under 140bpm. So I had to invest in a heart rate monitor. I quickly realized that the 140 bpm wasn't very high when doing any form of cardio or moderately lifting at high reps. I had to learn how to breathe slower and find the best ways my body recovers so I could continue with working out.

Anyone who's don't CrossFit knows in a metcon the goal is usually to go as fast as possible. Well know with my new limits I was focused more on quality vs quantity and/or speed. I actually felt like I spent more time waiting for my heart rate to decrease than I did working out at times but I knew I was still doing my body good. I also knew this was the safest way to keep my baby safe and healthy in the womb. So embraced the new challenge and realized something was absolutely better than nothing! 

My new BFF! 

Six Week Ultrasound

We were super excited for the first ultrasound. I knew at this point being pregnant would feel a little more real versus a figment of my imagination.

We did get to see our little embryo and the nurse was able to see a flutter of a heartbeat. When we talked to the doctor he said everything looked great. I was also now able to get back into some working out. I was still restricted on any impact movements but I could now do some moderate weightlifting and rowing. This was fantastic news although I was given a restriction on keeping my heart rate under 140 bpm. I knew this was pretty low but it was better than nothing! 

We were told to schedule another ultrasound at 8.5 weeks. Hopefully at this point we could see a heartbeat. We also knew the baby would be much bigger than the what we saw at 6 weeks! 

Second Test Results

My second blood test results came back great! My hcg levels had increased from 638 to 1400s in 48 hours! This was great news! We were then set up with an ultrasound for two weeks later when I would be 6 weeks pregnant. We would then be able to see our little offspring on and possibly even see a heartbeat.

At this point everything was really starting to settle in that this was real and we were really on the road to being parents in 9 short months! :) 

D-Day!

Once the 16th day after the IUI came I almost couldn't sleep I was so excited and nervous. I think I woke up about three times throughout the night and finally at 5:30 AM got up and tested. I can recall being very nervous by having to use the bathroom so bad I didn't have any stage fright.

I was given a generic pregnancy test from my RE so it had only a line to look for. I dipped the stick appropriately and waited the recommended time to see if the extra line would appear. Immediately I could see two faint lines which meant I was pregnant. I told my husband to come see what he thought as I wasn't sure if I was seeing things out of belief or if the lines were real. He said he couldn't tell but it looked like there was two lines. 

We decided to run over the grocery store and pick up another test just to be sure. So at 5:45 AM we ran over to buy another test. I bought one that was a little more explicit on the results; a cross vs. just lines. So once again I took the pee on a stick test twice and quickly the cross showed up! At this point, I was really excited and also in disbelief. Was I really this lucky to get pregnant the first time going through fertility treatments?! 

Of course right at 7 AM when my doctors office opened I called with the news and curiosity on what to do next! I had to go right away and get a blood test taken. I went to a local lab and got my blood tested before work so I could get the results back that afternoon. 

D-Day continued

Of course after the first pee tests and after talking to the doctors office we updated the people that knew today was the day for us to test. A group message for my family, a test to my husband's mom, and a few text messages later in the day to those few girlfriends who knew what I was going through. Everyone was so excited but knew we still had awhile to  go before we were in the clear and could really share the news!

I got the first blood test results back around 2 PM (beta was 638) that day and immediately scheduled my follow up test two days later. This second blood test would measure the levels of hcg. These levels should double every 48-72 hours while pregnant and continue to increase until the second trimester. This test would show whether a healthy pregnancy was developing. 

Two Week Wait: Week Two

The second week was a little less eventful but we had plenty of activities going on that kept our mind off the unknown. I did however have to go into the doctor’s office one week after the IUI to check my progesterone levels. This was a short and sweet appointment and only had to leave a little blood behind to be tested. The results really weren't going to tell us anything except whether my body was producing enough progesterone in the event I was indeed becoming pregnant. 

I wasn't allowed to test until 16 days after the IUI. Most people are told to test after 14 days but I guess since they weren't entirely sure when I would have ovulated they rather you be safe than sorry with a false negative. So I knew the closer I got to that date the more likely I would see blood in the result I was no pregnant so naturally I was checking very closely every time I went to the bathroom. By the time I made it through Monday with no hint of not being pregnant I felt a little better and slightly hopeful but knew I still had one more day to make it through and I had no idea how my body would react to anything since I have not had a period in several years. 

Two Week Wait: Week One

The dreaded two week wait plus two days was upon us. I knew this time would be hard and I of course asked many of my friends who had been through this time on advice. Some said to just try to stay busy, and one said she researched baby stuff. I personally knew putting the cart before the horse wouldn't work for me. Heck, after dating for several years I never really started planning our wedding until after the proposal was complete. So I tried to stay busy and tried to stay as active as I could by doing yoga and walking.

Unfortunately, the two weeks were quite eventful. I ended up coming down with major tooth pain and having to get a root canal done at an emergency dentist. This is obviously not ideal in my current situation but I didn't know what else to do. The pain was so bad and nothing would work to ease it. So I went into the office knowing that the procedure was okay for someone who was expecting although most doctors recommend not having these types of procedures during the first trimester if at all possible. I figured I would classify this procedure in the category of a mother not knowing she was pregnant and drinking a lot before the first missed day of her period. And I had to get this done; the pain was the worst pain ever!

After the procedure I had a lot of pain due to the procedure although it was way less than before. I had started taking Advil but shortly realized that Tylenol was the better choice in my current situation. Opps, three days of Advil, sorry potential future child! 

Brave

Ever since I can remember I was always the one strived to put on a brave and strong face for anything that was thrown to me in life. I'm sure this wasn't always the case but as I grew up that was the way I was taught to react. I'm not sure if is an oldest child trait or not but either way I'm sure it was something I was taught by my father. He would always put me in situations I did not feel comfortable in such as meeting people I didn't know, answering the company phone, and calling businesses or people for things he needed taken care of. And of course he acted the same way. I do not ever recall seeing my father cry and he always wore a brave face.

This lesson transferred into my personal as well as professional life. Personally, I'm the one who rarely cries when hurt or in sad or happy situations, hides any emotion related to being apprehensive or nervous, and over all wearing a tough skin.  So now in the infertility situation I found myself in I tried to carry that brave face into all of my doctors appointments and procedures. I entered them all with confidence and the realization that I was ready to accept whatever the medical professionals had to say. I went to pretty much all of these appointments solo and no offense to my amazing husband but that was the way I preferred it. It was easier to be brave alone then with someone by my side.

This all made perfect sense as I reflected on the first time I performed by injection alone. I escaped from a party we were having in our house upstairs to do the injection alone and all by myself. The original plan was for my mom to do the injection again but I had been given some strong encouragement from a friend that I could probably do it on my own and that brave persona I have came out strong and I was ready to give it a try. So I went up to the master bath, got everything ready, and went for it! Of course my heart was beating and I was shaking my the time I was done but I did it. I did it on the first time and on the first try and had no issues. I was pretty proud of myself at this time. And I was also glad that I had gained by independence back. I was going to be able to do the injections myself and make it through the next few weeks without having to rely on someone else to administer the medication. This was a huge relief moving forward!

           Here's my injection goodies!

....and we're off!

My first step in this process was to first do another progesterone challenge. I then was told to order my prescription medicine for when we would begin simulating my ovaries with FSH and LH to help me have a cycle. Unfortunately, neither my prescriptions nor any infertility treatments were covered by my insurance so all of our costs after diagnoses were out of pocket. Because of this we opted to find the cheapest route for the prescription medicine. The doctor was able to send me to a common website where a lot of his patients bought prescriptions from overseas in the UK.   So I ordered the very expensive medication from this website and realized there was no turning back now!

This time on progesterone I took a different type of medicine in hopes that my period would appear. Ten days later nothing happened, no aunt flow. So I called the doctor they said to come in for an ultrasound to check everything out. My husband and I went to the doctor’s appointment. The doctor said everything looked good and that the reason I didn't have a period was due to the condition I had. He said it was time to start me on the hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) injections.  I was glad I had injection training earlier that week as I was instructed to start injections that night! At this time a lot of emotion came over me including excitement and apprehension. We were actually starting this journey and this was all becoming very real.

I knew the first injection would have to be done by my mother in order for me to get comfortable on how it would feel. I knew my husband giving me the injection was not an option as he was not good with needles what so ever. I was told to administer my medication between the hours of 6 – 10pm. I decided for the first one it would be easiest to get it out of the way and do it right at 6pm. So at 6pm we traveled over to my parents’ house with my medicine and needles.  I mixed the medicine and then changed the syringe needle. I numbed the upper hip area on my right side with an ice cube for the injection. My mom wiped off the area with an alcohol swap and performed the injection. This procedure was actually not as bad as I thought it might have been. It kind of stung as the medicine was injected but other than that I immediately walked around after the needle was removed in hope that I would get the muscle moving and relaxed again.  I then went on with the rest of my evening and didn't even notice what was done to me.

The first injection was down. I had three more days of the same procedures and then I was going back to the doctor for an ultrasound to see how I was responding to the medicine. And at this time I was absolutely limited on my activity. I was only walking and doing yoga as I didn't want anything to happen to my ovaries on accident and I figured I spent all this money on medicine and doctor appointments I better do everything in my power to ensure it works! 

The big hurdle

At this point I was struggling with what decision and direction to go. Do I try to solve this in a natural way or do I proceed with a reproductive endocrinologist? The reason for this was because I grew up in a household that used mostly alternative medicine since I was about ten years old. Western medicine and visits to a M.D. wasn't the norm in my family. My mother chose to take us to a chiropractor who was also a homeopathic doctor. In fact, I don't think I've even had an over the counter medicine in over 20 years except when I had my wisdom teeth out. I was really torn on whether I felt using heavy duty drugs to try to get pregnant. And I was really afraid of how particularly my mother would react. At this point she did not know of anything I was going through or any information about my condition.

I luckily was able to lean on my husband and the few friends who knew what was going on for advice. After one specific conversation with one of my best friends I was able to come to a conclusion. I was going to proceed with treatment and with the doctor who I had just met with. 

Now the hard part was ahead: tell my mother. Unfortunately, the timing of this decision was right before a major holiday and a big international delayed honeymoon with my husband. I went through around several ideas on how I would tell her including writing a letter but ultimately decided in person when I got back would be the best. 

I first told my sister, which is typically how I get a good feeling on how my parents will react on different things. I also knew my sister would support me in whatever decision I made. I then told my mom by stopping over her house for lunch. Except I had been battling a bad stomach bug all week so she ate I sat and hung out. After catching up since I hadn't seen her in a few weeks I finally broke down and told her what was going on. She of course was supportive but had lots of questions. Mostly questions of the risks involved and other things I've done to try to fix the issue which had included six months of several homeopathic methods which didn't seem to make one difference at all. I explained to her that I was tired of spinning my wheels and spending a bunch of money on natural treatments that didn't seem to be working at all. I was ready to try something different and I was willing to make the sacrifices I knew I had to in order to start a family. She thankfully understood my decision and even volunteered to attend the injection training the following week with my incase I needed help with administering the medicine. That was probably the best feeling in the world at that time. I felt so much better after having this hurdle out of the way and this talk off my chest. 

What is Hypothalamic Amenorrhea?

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA) in brief is a condition in which menstruation stops for several months due to a problem involving the hypothalamus. Hormones obviously play a crucial role in every step of a successful pregnancy. The hypothalamus in the center of the brain controls reproduction. It produces the hormone, gonadotropin releasing hormone (GnRH). GnRH signals the production of other hormones needed for the egg to mature and for ovulation, such as follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and after ovulation, progesterone luteinizing hormone (LH). In turn, FSH and LH signal the ovaries to produce estrogen. Estrogen thins the cervical mucus and, along with progesterone, prepares the uterus for a fertilized egg. Sometimes the hypothalamus stops producing GnRH, which in turn, will reduce the amount of other hormones produced (FSH, LH, and estrogen). Ovulation and menstruation stop, resulting in infertility.
(source: http://www.shadygrovefertility.com/hypothalamic-amenorrhea)

So this is what the science behind my condition and how my brain doesn't work correctly to produce the hormones needed to have a cycle. A fun fact about this condition is that only 5% of the population has this condition but it is treatable. So at least I have that going for me even if I am in the minority!