Controversial?

In order to even get pregnant with our angel baby we had to go through some fertility treatments which were obviously very successful as we got pregnant on the first try. Now that we are in the position of healing and determining what we want to do or need to do moving forward we went to meet with that miracle doctor to get his thoughts. I had actually called the doctor’s office a few days after the termination to let them know the news. The doctor himself called me later that day to send his condolences and reassure me if we needed him again for help he had no doubt I could get pregnant again relatively quickly. He said come back and let’s talk when you are ready.

So we arrive for our consultation. It was eerie to be back in the office once again with no baby in tow. Never did I think I would be back here so soon. Of course I thought once I had the baby I’d go visit and then potentially need to come back when we wanted to expand our family again but never did I think I would be back less than 3 months later in a totally different situation. We sit down with the doctor and he asks how we are doing, we say fine. He then replies with some condolences and a phrase I never thought I’d ever hear from a medical professional, “all you can say is f**k” in reference to receiving the news that the baby had trisomy 13. He goes on to explain there was nothing anyone could have done differently. It’s one of those situations where all you can do is say f**k! (This totally reminded me of the song "Totally F**ked" from Spring Awakening. If you haven't seen it please add it to you list and then look up the song). He then asks how we are doing. I explain I have been writing this blog and it has been a great release and healing technique. We then told him that we decided to share the details and actual story with the “world” although it might have been somewhat controversial. He replied, “Controversial? What do you mean the baby had maybe days, hours to live if it made it that far? The disorder is incompatible with life.  That’s not controversial at all.”  Hearing this, to be honest, was a breath of fresh air. Although, many cannot even fathom what they would have done in our situation we are satisfied with our decision. We have no regrets. We know this was the best decision for us. We couldn’t control what cards we were dealt. It does no good to ask why and dwell on the reality we were in. We had to keep moving forward.

I always knew I choose this doctor for his honestly and straight to the point answers but at that moment I knew he was the right choice to help us get the family we desired so badly.  He was straight forward and no bull. He gave us some advice moving forward. I’m sure many are wondering when we will start trying again to get pregnant and right now I don’t think I’m going to share those journey details via my blog. I plan to continue to write them but will delay publishing the post for some time. Maybe it’ll be once we are pregnant again or maybe sooner I’m not quite sure yet. There is a lot of unknown ahead of us and for now I think I’m going to keep the majority of it private as it is a stressful and sensitive process. I will continue to write my thoughts in the meantime. I have saved a lot of articles over the past few months and have a lot of thoughts I’d like to share from my point of view. Stay tuned!

12.5 weeks

At 12.5 weeks we had our first encounter with our new ob/gyn practice. We choose the practice due to a recommendation by our RE doctor and the proximity of the office to the hospital we intended to deliver at. There are five doctors at this practice so we will see all five during the time before delivery since when I deliver the doctor we have will depend on who is on call that day.

The first appointment was good but a little longer than anticipated. Up until this point I had been able to avoid the dreading pee in the cup and regular well women checks. Well this practice was not letting me slip away from that anymore. First we had an ultrasound and got to see our little plum. (We have a name each week based on the size of the baby according to the bump app). It seemed to be either sucking its thumb or trying to hide its face as its hands were constantly moving to and from the face. We also got to hear the heartbeat which once again was pretty cool.

We next met with one of the doctors. She asked if I had any questions and of course the first thing on my mind was her suggestions on exercise and activity. She said she recommends women to do no more than what they were doing prior to pregnancy. So I told her my history and that I had been limiting myself to working up to 140bpm and avoiding running and jumping. I asked if I could raise that heart rate a little more and add some running and jumping into my routine. She said if you feel well enough to do so, go for it. The main goal was to not over exhaust yourself and make sure you can breathe during the exercise.

I decided that I would self-impose a heartbeat limit on myself of 160bpm or so. I knew this would be far enough on the heart rate scale for me to really get in some better exercise that didn’t make me want to go to sleep as one of my friends stated. I was so excited to be able to run and jump rope again. I was getting really sick of rowing all the time at such a slow pace!

Overall, the appointment went well. I was sent off with a bag full of paperwork and information to read. I of course got through the material fairly quickly and realized this is what normal women get earlier on rather than having to rely on Google to answer pregnancy questions. 

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....and we're off!

My first step in this process was to first do another progesterone challenge. I then was told to order my prescription medicine for when we would begin simulating my ovaries with FSH and LH to help me have a cycle. Unfortunately, neither my prescriptions nor any infertility treatments were covered by my insurance so all of our costs after diagnoses were out of pocket. Because of this we opted to find the cheapest route for the prescription medicine. The doctor was able to send me to a common website where a lot of his patients bought prescriptions from overseas in the UK.   So I ordered the very expensive medication from this website and realized there was no turning back now!

This time on progesterone I took a different type of medicine in hopes that my period would appear. Ten days later nothing happened, no aunt flow. So I called the doctor they said to come in for an ultrasound to check everything out. My husband and I went to the doctor’s appointment. The doctor said everything looked good and that the reason I didn't have a period was due to the condition I had. He said it was time to start me on the hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) injections.  I was glad I had injection training earlier that week as I was instructed to start injections that night! At this time a lot of emotion came over me including excitement and apprehension. We were actually starting this journey and this was all becoming very real.

I knew the first injection would have to be done by my mother in order for me to get comfortable on how it would feel. I knew my husband giving me the injection was not an option as he was not good with needles what so ever. I was told to administer my medication between the hours of 6 – 10pm. I decided for the first one it would be easiest to get it out of the way and do it right at 6pm. So at 6pm we traveled over to my parents’ house with my medicine and needles.  I mixed the medicine and then changed the syringe needle. I numbed the upper hip area on my right side with an ice cube for the injection. My mom wiped off the area with an alcohol swap and performed the injection. This procedure was actually not as bad as I thought it might have been. It kind of stung as the medicine was injected but other than that I immediately walked around after the needle was removed in hope that I would get the muscle moving and relaxed again.  I then went on with the rest of my evening and didn't even notice what was done to me.

The first injection was down. I had three more days of the same procedures and then I was going back to the doctor for an ultrasound to see how I was responding to the medicine. And at this time I was absolutely limited on my activity. I was only walking and doing yoga as I didn't want anything to happen to my ovaries on accident and I figured I spent all this money on medicine and doctor appointments I better do everything in my power to ensure it works! 

Second Opinion

After the experience at the first RE office I was open to looking into different doctors and their opinions about treatment for my condition. I luckily was able to find a doctor who a friend has used and been successful with twice. This doctor came highly recommended and also known as one of the best RE doctors in the city. I was able to get in for a consultation pretty quickly and was very interested in learning what he had to say.

My first meeting with this doctor was great. He was very honest and was straight to the point. He said yes, you do indeed have HA and explained that there was really only one pathway for me to get pregnant. He would immediately direct me to injectable medication. He stated that no other lower dose oral treatments would work for my condition. This immediately took my by surprise since that was not the impression I got with the first doctor.

He also mentioned that if I had come to him first he would not have recommended a MRI due to my medical history and also physical activity history as an athlete. He was absolutely positive something happened to my hormones and hypothalamus when I lost 20 pounds in spring of 2012. And that for some reason by body did not readjust over time nor when I gained some of the weight back.

He stated that even if I did gain weight back there was no guarantee that my cycle would come back either which was one of my questions. He said he actually did research on this topic as a fellow. He saw several ballerinas bounce back with a cycle after being injured and not able to dance but soccer players and runner were hit or miss. Some gained a cycle back and some didn't after reducing their amount of exercise. This made me feel a little better about the lifestyle I had accustomed to with following a clean, mostly paleo diet and doing CrossFit which I had thought was healthy and good for my health.

After my meeting I knew I now had some thinking and consideration to do as there were risks, sacrifices, and lots of money involved in the treatments that were recommended.

The back story....part 1

I should have started this blog about two months ago but here I am finally finding time and the courage to write this all down. My husband and I wanted to start a family shortly after we got married. we knew were going to wait until the beginning of the year due to some end of the year international travel.

Our story started when I finally started to investigate why I wasn't having a regular monthly cycle. And when I say not having one I'm not talking irregular I'm talking none, zero, zip. In fact, I hadn't had a natural one that wasn't induced by birth control for over two and a half years. So my ob-gyn recommended me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) to figure out what was going on. After some medical history, blood tests, and an MRI of the brain, it was confirmed I had hypothalamic amenorrhea. In a nut shell hypothalamic amenorrhea is a condition in which menstruation stops for several months due to a problem involving the hypothalamus but more on this later in another post.   

If I had known more and cared more to really find out what was wrong with my body I probably would have realized this is what I had awhile ago when I was given the progesterone challenge which I indeed failed. But at that time of my life that kids were the last thing I was worried about and I really didn't know what kind of trouble I might be in when it came to actually wanting to get pregnant. Reproductive health wasn't on my mind nor priority list and my ob-gyn didn't seem to think it really was a problem so I went on doing my thing. Hindsight 20/20 I should have further investigated but I didn't know what I didn't know. 

So that brings us to my diagnoses and what I needed to do to move forward with starting a family. The first RE I went to who ultimately first diagnosed me mentioned all the typical fertility methods and the progression he would recommend for me. First the most common clomid, then something stronger, then injectables if those two didn't work, and then of course the ultimate course of action IVF. Unfortunately, I did not mesh well with the doctor nor the medical staff at this RE office. After several frustrations trying to get through to talk to the medical staff I was on the search for possibly another RE. At this time is also when I started to share my condition with a select number of friends who I knew had been through some kind of fertility struggles and started to learn more. 

I cannot be more thankful for those friends that have been placed in my life in the last few years that were so willing to open up and share their experiences. It can be said that people come into your life for a specific reason although at the time you may not realize exactly why. I now 100% believe that saying and I cannot believe how lucky I've been to have those friends who have been so supportive since day 1 of my journey!