It's not just about the gender!

I get it. Once you find out your pregnant you initially are super excited and wonder how life will change. You then start wondering what the gender is, what you’ll name the kid, and how you’ll decorate the nursery. I understand pregnancy is exciting, well for most, but is also one of those things where so much has to go right it is sometimes amazing to think about how many people are on this earth! Yeah you’re right most couples do not even ever let this thought cross their mind but if you have been faced with heartbreak and realize things don’t always go as planned you can’t help to think about it.

Most couples once they get past the 12 week mark and tell their family and friends their expecting the next question people ask is “are you going to find out the gender?” These days this is a typical practice. Not many parents or anyone who knows the baby is surprised at the time of birth of the gender or name for that matter. Yes, I understand why one would look forward to the 20 week ultrasound but what people don’t realize is that this ultrasound is not performed for the sole reason of finding out the gender of their baby. The priority of the ultrasound is not for finding out the gender nor is that a requirement.

The 20 week ultrasound is actually referred to in the medical world as a level II 20 week anatomy scan. The purpose of this very important appointment is to look at all the anatomy of the baby. There is an entire list the ultrasound technician is taught to follow and check out. They look at the heart, brain, kidneys, stomach, hands, feet, leg bones, arm bones, etc. They make sure the locations of the organs are on the correct side of the body. And lastly if the baby is in a good position they will look at the exterior sex organs.

The reason they look at all of these items of the body is to pick up any potential soft markers that might indicate a problem with how the baby has grown. Coming from a pregnancy where I had a level II ultrasound at 15 weeks for the sole reason of looking for soft markers and then an amniocentesis, I can’t say I have been in a normal 20 week anatomy scan but what I can say is that every new area the ultrasound technician looks at in the future I’ll be holding my breath just waiting for their response on whether it looks normal or not because who am I kidding I can barely make out the basic anatomy of the head, rump, arms, and legs of an ultrasound photo.

So to all my friends I’m super excited for you and your new little one on the way but regardless whether you decide to find out the gender (props to all of you who don’t, I don’t think I could do that!) when I ask how your 20 week ultrasound went I don’t want the first thing out of your mouth to be to be “it’s a girl” or “it’s a boy.” I’m asking because I have been one of those women who have sat there watching soft markers show up on the screen. I have also been there hearing stories from friends who went into that scan hoping to confirm the gender and walking out not even knowing or caring because of what else was discovered. I want to know everything is looking good with your little bundle of joy because I worry for everyone whether they worry themselves or even know I think about them often. In my book, the first thing I want for everyone is a healthy baby regardless of the gender including for myself although I understand you can want one gender over the other. I cannot deny I have those preferences as well but only after clean bill of health of course! So please tell me everything looked great and then tell me the gender (if you found out) so I can start planning a creative baby gift! 

A word of caution to anyone in the future who asks me “what I’m having” after my 20 week ultrasound, I will not reply girl or boy whether I know or not and regardless whether my husband and decide we will share the gender news with friends and family. I will simply reply “it’s a puppy.” :) 

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

Within the last year a lot has changed in my world as well as the world around me. Personally it’s been almost one year since my husband and I got married. It’s been over 6 months since traveled across the world to the land down under. And now it’s been over 2 months since we said goodbye without being able to say hello to our baby girl. It’s been a month or more since the Supreme Court ruled in support of gay marriage. There are now over 20 presidential candidates who are daily trying to make their way to top. And Bruce Jenner is now known as Caitlin Jenner. These news stories have stirred up quite the amount of opinions and thoughts across social media and daily conversation that sometimes make me cringe in disappointment or embarrassment for some of the comments that are said.

I’ve learned to live by trying my best not to judge someone based on my own life experiences, beliefs, or opinions. I have realized I have absolutely no idea how I would feel or react in a situation unless I have lived it.

I will never understand how it feels to be in a homosexual relationship and not have the ability to get married. I personally don’t think anyone else should really care that much if two males or females want to get married because they genuinely love each other and want to make a public commitment to each other in front of their family and friends through marriage. It doesn’t affect my life except I know that there will be more love in the world and hopefully in result of that love the world will become a happier place.

I realize I will never know how it feels to have lost an infant child. I have never been in that position. How can I judge how one grieves, how one might struggle through holidays and birthdays, and how one longs to fill that void in their life. Yes, I have suffered loss but in such a different way that I can’t even try to compare my feelings to that situation.

Can I understand why someone would not want to have more than one child? No. I don’t understand their circumstances or feelings on the decision. I cannot even begin to think about how it is to juggle motherhood, a job, a marriage and a social life with one child let alone two. I simply cannot judge someone who feels their family is complete with one child. Nor can I judge someone who says motherhood is hard. I haven’t been in that situation although someday I hope to be so I can realize their struggle was real and these are real life issues people deal with day in and day out.

Should I have the right to judge another woman who was sitting at that clinic with me who was in a totally different situation than I was in? I have no idea what their reason for being there that day was. Was it because they financially couldn’t afford to raise another child? Did they know that they were in a situation where the child would not be safe when coming into this world? Were they in fear of what their parents would do or say to them if they had found out and knew this was the best decision for them? I don’t know. I will never know and honestly I may not always agree with their decision but I will however not judge them. They were strong enough to know that this was the best decision for themselves, their family, and the baby’s life regardless the reasons behind it. I can only respect them for making the best decision for them at the present moment.

Should I expect someone to attempt to put their selves in my situation and hypothetically determine what they would have done? Of course people have and I’m sure they have judged me and not agreed with my decision. I understand it is hard not to try to understand by trying to put your own feelings and thoughts in those tough situations. But I will advise from my personal experiences don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Be conscious of the things you might say as they might be offensive and unintentionally hurt someone else. Now I’m not saying you’re not entitled to your own opinion I’m just saying sometimes those opinions are better expressed in different ways or different situations.  Everyone has been given their own life to live and navigate. Just like no two snowflakes are alike no two people’s lives are going to be exactly the same. This is was make life so interesting and exciting. There are always new things to learn and new people to meet and learn their story. Keep on experiencing life and sometimes realize you may not understand someone’s struggles or successes until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

Controversial?

In order to even get pregnant with our angel baby we had to go through some fertility treatments which were obviously very successful as we got pregnant on the first try. Now that we are in the position of healing and determining what we want to do or need to do moving forward we went to meet with that miracle doctor to get his thoughts. I had actually called the doctor’s office a few days after the termination to let them know the news. The doctor himself called me later that day to send his condolences and reassure me if we needed him again for help he had no doubt I could get pregnant again relatively quickly. He said come back and let’s talk when you are ready.

So we arrive for our consultation. It was eerie to be back in the office once again with no baby in tow. Never did I think I would be back here so soon. Of course I thought once I had the baby I’d go visit and then potentially need to come back when we wanted to expand our family again but never did I think I would be back less than 3 months later in a totally different situation. We sit down with the doctor and he asks how we are doing, we say fine. He then replies with some condolences and a phrase I never thought I’d ever hear from a medical professional, “all you can say is f**k” in reference to receiving the news that the baby had trisomy 13. He goes on to explain there was nothing anyone could have done differently. It’s one of those situations where all you can do is say f**k! (This totally reminded me of the song "Totally F**ked" from Spring Awakening. If you haven't seen it please add it to you list and then look up the song). He then asks how we are doing. I explain I have been writing this blog and it has been a great release and healing technique. We then told him that we decided to share the details and actual story with the “world” although it might have been somewhat controversial. He replied, “Controversial? What do you mean the baby had maybe days, hours to live if it made it that far? The disorder is incompatible with life.  That’s not controversial at all.”  Hearing this, to be honest, was a breath of fresh air. Although, many cannot even fathom what they would have done in our situation we are satisfied with our decision. We have no regrets. We know this was the best decision for us. We couldn’t control what cards we were dealt. It does no good to ask why and dwell on the reality we were in. We had to keep moving forward.

I always knew I choose this doctor for his honestly and straight to the point answers but at that moment I knew he was the right choice to help us get the family we desired so badly.  He was straight forward and no bull. He gave us some advice moving forward. I’m sure many are wondering when we will start trying again to get pregnant and right now I don’t think I’m going to share those journey details via my blog. I plan to continue to write them but will delay publishing the post for some time. Maybe it’ll be once we are pregnant again or maybe sooner I’m not quite sure yet. There is a lot of unknown ahead of us and for now I think I’m going to keep the majority of it private as it is a stressful and sensitive process. I will continue to write my thoughts in the meantime. I have saved a lot of articles over the past few months and have a lot of thoughts I’d like to share from my point of view. Stay tuned!

Embracing the Present

In attempt to embrace the fact that I was not pregnant any longer, I told my husband I wanted to do all the things I could not do while I was pregnant.  That included eating sushi, having a few drinks, eating lunch meat, doing all workout movements I wanted, and lastly going to Skyzone. I figured if this is the present state I was going to be in I was going to take advantage of it! It wasn't my ideal situation but it was the cards I was dealt so I was going to roll with it.

I successfully hit one of those pregnant avoidance's the day after our termination at our favorite sushi joint with a large plate of sashimi. I secondly enjoyed a nice glass of red wine in Florida the week following. I've definitely had my fair share of lunch meat and have been doing every high impact workout activity as soon as I was release to exercise again. And lastly a month following the termination I made it to Skyzone to jump on the trampolines and do some flips into the foam pit.

Now don’t get me wrong I wish my situation was different but I am trying to continue to live my life to the fullest. I’m going to take advantage of every opportunity I’m given. I happened to have a work trip planned to California and then Arizona and my sister had planned to tag along for the first part of the trip to spend some time in the Cali sun. At the time we had not planned to go to Disneyland since I would not have been able to ride the rides but since my condition had changed we decided to go to Disney’s California Adventure. I made sure we rode all the roller coasters and any other ride I could get my sister to ride. I was getting my money’s worth as well as soaking up this opportunity that had been presented.  

So presently as my husband and I are grieving, healing, and trying to look at the brightside of life  we are going to enjoy some fun times together as a couple and with friends and family. I found comfort in this quote by the one and only Budda,  "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." This is what I will try to do for the next few months as I adjust to my life experiences in the last few months and try not to think about the future of our family too much although I know that will be the hard part. 

Don't Try to Compare Loss

After the procedure I had no regrets but I did feel alone in my experience. Don't get me wrong I knew of several friends who had lost babies due to miscarriage but my situation was different. It wasn't a spontaneous loss of the baby. I didn't feel comforted by people who said they've been in my shoes. I highly doubt they have been. I didn't enjoy comments that told me miscarriage happens 1 in 5 pregnancies. It hurt when people would ask if I forgot to take my pre-natal vitamins. It killed my soul when someone would say maybe it had to do with what kind of workout activities I was doing although if they knew anything we went through to get pregnant they would have known I've been very restricted.

It became very apparent either people had experienced loss and I respected that and glad they were trying to be comforting or they had no idea and would immediately insert mouth into foot with an ignorant comment. Luckily I had a thick skin and a good friend who had told me as soon as everything started to happen that she apologized for the ignorant comments people would say to me. 

Now don't get my wrong I appreciated every single thoughts, prayer, note, card, text, and flower that was sent to me. They were all meant well and I know no one was meaning to be hurtful but sometimes things people said were not helpful. I just was struggling to really connect to anyone else who has walked in my shoes. I just wanted someone to eventually open up and say I've suffered loss but in a little different way similar to my situation. 

In attempt to not feel alone I started searching around on the Internet for articles, books, blogs, etc. that would help. Here are some of the resources I found that made me realize I wasn't alone in receiving some hurtful comments and advice but this also helped me realize I had to come clean and tell the whole story. 

Articles:
There Is A Story Behind Every Loss

I am the face of a Heartbreaking Choice

My Abortion at 23 weeks

Book:
Our Heartbreaking Choices

In conclusion, a piece of advice to myself and anyone else who has a co-worker, family member, friend, etc. experience loss. Don't try to say something that might make them feel better. Just say I'm sorry for your loss. Ask them if you can do anything. Ask them if they want to talk. I unfortunately experienced this first hand on the other side as a friend of a bereaved parent almost a year ago when one of my best friends lost their son. I didn't know what to say or do but I knew the last thing I wanted to do was accidentally offend them in some way shape or form. I quickly realized these items were off the list of things to say:

Six Things Never to Say to a Bereaved Parent

Always Knew Love

Many ask "how did you decide to choose what you did?" My husband and I have always been on the same page on when comes to choices that affect our life together. We knew our baby girl was given the diagonsis in which if she had made it to full term would have been very short and would have consisted of physical pain for her. We wanted a baby so badly but we knew what we had to do. We knew when we became parents at day one after conception we were responsible for the the welfare and protection of the life inside me. We decided to take on the lifetime of emotional pain ourselves so that our little one would not have to feel one moment of physical pain. Never did we imagine when we elected to get the screening test done we would make the decision to terminate but love is a powerful motivator and will make you bring great heartache upon ourself to spare a loved one from suffering. We feel we were given the opportunity to learn about our baby's condition in order to act upon it out of compassion and love. So that's what we did.  We ended a lifetime of suffering for our baby at 15 weeks and 5 days. Myself nor the baby felt anything. She was never touched my fear, she was never cold, never hungry, never alone and more importantly she always knew love.

Saying Goodbye without being able to say Hello

4:30 AM

Alarm goes off, shower, get dressed, no breakfast allowed today

5:00 AM

Get into car start drive to Louisville

6:00 AM

Stop at McDonald’s to use restroom and grab dear husband breakfast, still no breakfast for me

7:00 AM

Arrive in downtown Louisville. Drive around the block to locate the destination and scope out the protestors. I luckily am a great Googler and had found out that this clinic was very well known for large protests pretty much every day. There are already at least 10 protestors hanging outside of the clinic carrying very disturbing signs. We knew this was going to be quite the experience.

7:15 AM

Start to walk to the clinic. Stopped by the clinic escorts telling us the clinic will not open their doors until 7:30. It’s best to stay in our car to avoid having to listen to protestors scream at you while waiting to get inside. One of the escorts would come up to let us know when she saw the clinic staff arrive.

Waiting the 15 minutes seemed like an eternity. I was very anxious. I had step my upcoming day into four steps. And getting into the clinic past the protestors was step 1.

7:25 AM

Escort comes to get us from our car. We start out from the parking garage to the clinic front doors. As soon as we get down the stairs outside of the garage protestors are standing there waiting for us. They start to rattle off their propaganda, “We can help you. We have other options.” They said they have a facility nearby that can help us save our baby, etc. You get the idea. The escorts attempt to comfort us by saying we don’t have to listen to them and let us know that we almost to the front doors. This continues until we reach the front doors at the clinic where we are greeted by someone opening the door for the incoming patients.

7:30 AM

While waiting in line you can see the protestors through the tinted windows. I could not believe some of the chants or songs I heard. One patient was unlucky; she got followed by a rather intense protestor. He literally screamed in her face the entire way down the sidewalk until she reached the front door.

7:45 AM

Checked in and sitting the waiting room while the rest of the patients get registered.

8:00 AM

All patients are brought back into the facility alone. No friend, husband, family member is allowed back beyond the waiting room doors. We are told to sit in another room with chairs to wait to be called to for our procedures and then to get our lab work and ultrasound done.

8:15 AM

I am first to get my payment taken care of. The clinic director also proceeds to tell me that since I am here for a therapeutic termination that my husband can come back to sit with me until it is time for me to go into the procedure.  This might have been the best news of the day. I wouldn’t be alone sitting waiting and neither would my husband. After getting my payment taken care of, I then got my vitals taken, blood drawn, and ultrasound performed. I was absolutely dreading the ultrasound. I did not want to have to look. Luckily, there was not a screen other than the one for the ultrasound tech.

9:00 AM

My husband got to join me inside the clinic and in a private waiting room where we were separate from the other patients.

9:10 AM

We get to watch a video about the procedure. We then are taken into a counselor’s office to discuss any questions we had, the procedure, and to make sure I was making this choice myself and not anyone else was pressuring me to have this procedure performed.  We then went back to our waiting room until the doctor arrived.

9:45 AM

The doctor had arrived and I was taken back to a private room for to have the first part of the procedure completed. We were lucky to have found out the diagnosis as early as we did. I was just under 16 weeks and between 12 – 16 weeks the procedure was one day. After 16 weeks it turned into a two day procedure.

The doctor spoke to me for a few minutes. She first gave her sentiments that our baby had trisomy 13. She asked why we came traveled to Louisville. She was surprised to hear that there were not any facilities near where we lived. I told her I was glad to have a great ob/gyn practice that was although not able to perform the procedure themselves but were willing to help me do what I wanted and ultimately find this clinic for me.

She then explained the first part of the procedure which I had read a lot about online so I felt prepared. She inserted the laminaria into my cervix which are thin sticks made from a special seaweed material that widen as they absorb moisture from your body. This was probably the most physically painful part of the procedure. Immediately, I had some cramping and really felt uncomfortable. I then went back to waiting room. I was to keep the laminaria in for 2 hours before the second part of the procedure would occur. This was my step 2. Step 2 done and two more to go.

10:00 AM

For the next hour and a half my husband and I hung out in one of the waiting rooms away from the rest of the patients. On this particular day there were around 15 women there getting similar procedures to terminate their pregnancy.  Some were very early on in their pregnancy and would be given medical abortions to stop their pregnancy. And the others were there for surgical abortions which would require surgery including general anesthesia. During this downtime, my husband tried to catch a cat nap while listening to music. I watched a movie to help pass the time and keep my mind from thinking about what was really going on and the pain I was in. I couldn’t bear to cry in the clinic. I put on my strong face and carried that with me for the rest of the day.

11:40 AM

It was time for other patients and me to be moved downstairs to surgery prep. At this time my husband was to go back to the original waiting room with the other people who were there accompanying their respective patients. We all went down stairs and were told to change into gowns. We were given lockers for our belongings. Then we told to move onto our hospital gurney.

Waiting in this cold room was quite a lonely experience and somber. There were 6 other women in the room awaiting their turn for surgery. We were first greeted by the doctor and then the anesthesiologist. We signed that we understood the risks involved with the anesthesia. Then one by one the nurse inserted an arterial catheter for and IV. A few of us including myself were given Pitocin via an IV to help the cervix dilate even more.

One by one were wheeled into the operation room with about 15 – 20 minutes between each patient from what I could estimate without any clock or watch. This was the hardest time for me. I was left with only my thoughts. Nothing to distract me: no noise, no talking, nothing to watch, not even a clock. I spent a majority of the time holding back tears and emotion as the room was so silent you could have heard a pin drop. I actually was so tired due to the lack of sleep over the past few days I kept drifting to sleep for a few seconds and awaking back up. 

12:30 PM

It was finally my turn. The nurse wheeled me into the operating room. I was assisted onto the table and my legs were placed in stirrups. My D&E procedure was ready to be performed. All of the proper tools that assisted the doctor had been put into perfect location and new sterile tools were being opened for me.  The anesthesist said she was going to hook me up to an IV that would make me sleepy. I replied that I was so tired I'm just going to close my eyes. Step three was complete and I was drifting off to sleep for the next ten minutes with the procedure was completed. 

12:50 PM

The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room. I vaguely remember being helped off the gurney into the chair in recovery. The only reason I recall that was because I remember the nurse telling my to hold my sanitary napkin in place. Now step four was upon me: get awake and stay awake so I could be released from recovery. I knew the best way I would come out of anesthesia was to talk based on previous experience. So I'm pretty sure I was asking all kinds of questions and might have been chatting with another patient in the room. I felt as if I drunk so who knows what I said. I also remember wanting to get the catheter out of my arm. I was told several times I had to keep it in my arm until I was changed. 

The nurse handed me  Advil and ginger ale once I seemed awake enough. I refused the Advil as I cannot swallow pills but gladly accepted the ginger ale. I was so thirty as I hadn't had more than a few ounces of water upon waking up which at this time was seven hours ago. I was also slightly hungry but the only thing they had to offer was crackers and being gluten free I just asked for more ginger ale. 

1:00 PM

I'm not entirely sure how long I was in recovery but it couldn't have been long. Before I knew it I was being asked to use the restroom and then change back into my clothes. This was quite the experience as their was a step back unit the locker room. I am pretty sure I almost fell over getting back in there. The feeling of having a fun night out of drinking was still present. I successfully changed back into my clothes and then was told to come back to the recovery room so remove the catheter. It felt so great to have this removed. After that the nurse said I seemed so alert, from talking of course, that I was ready to be released. She went over the post-op instructions and gave me a prescription for antibiotics. I was then escorted back up to my husband and we were free to leave. 

1:20 PM 

After a big hug, we were on our way back to our car. The protestors were gone and the city was quiet. We arrived back into the car I immediately took some pain medicine along with a snack and large bottle of water. We were on our   two hour drive back home together and I was no longer pregnant. 

Announcement to the World!

At 14 weeks I finally started to feel better. Several foods started to sound and taste better again. I was finally in the second trimester. I also started to let myself get a little more excited about the expectation of a baby come this fall. At 14 weeks, we finally announced the arrival of baby to the rest of the world including social media. We had done a photo shoot at our alumna mater’s football stadium that was currently under construction. We tagged along with the fact that the stadium and our baby were going to be “completed” in fall 2015. We posted the photo that we had taken on campus with a baby onesie with the school’s mascot on it on social media. We photoshopped the words “Baby Under Construction: Estimated Completion Fall 2015.” We could not have been excited to share this news with our friends and family. We had held this news a secret except to immediate family and close friends until we were knew we were in the clear, aka the second trimester.

12.5 weeks

At 12.5 weeks we had our first encounter with our new ob/gyn practice. We choose the practice due to a recommendation by our RE doctor and the proximity of the office to the hospital we intended to deliver at. There are five doctors at this practice so we will see all five during the time before delivery since when I deliver the doctor we have will depend on who is on call that day.

The first appointment was good but a little longer than anticipated. Up until this point I had been able to avoid the dreading pee in the cup and regular well women checks. Well this practice was not letting me slip away from that anymore. First we had an ultrasound and got to see our little plum. (We have a name each week based on the size of the baby according to the bump app). It seemed to be either sucking its thumb or trying to hide its face as its hands were constantly moving to and from the face. We also got to hear the heartbeat which once again was pretty cool.

We next met with one of the doctors. She asked if I had any questions and of course the first thing on my mind was her suggestions on exercise and activity. She said she recommends women to do no more than what they were doing prior to pregnancy. So I told her my history and that I had been limiting myself to working up to 140bpm and avoiding running and jumping. I asked if I could raise that heart rate a little more and add some running and jumping into my routine. She said if you feel well enough to do so, go for it. The main goal was to not over exhaust yourself and make sure you can breathe during the exercise.

I decided that I would self-impose a heartbeat limit on myself of 160bpm or so. I knew this would be far enough on the heart rate scale for me to really get in some better exercise that didn’t make me want to go to sleep as one of my friends stated. I was so excited to be able to run and jump rope again. I was getting really sick of rowing all the time at such a slow pace!

Overall, the appointment went well. I was sent off with a bag full of paperwork and information to read. I of course got through the material fairly quickly and realized this is what normal women get earlier on rather than having to rely on Google to answer pregnancy questions. 

. 

Graduation day at 10 weeks!

When we were 10.5 weeks we went in for the anticipated last appointment with the RE doctor. We officially graduated onto the regular ob/gyn office! We got to see our little nugget on the big screen and was even waving. We also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time which was pretty cool. After our ultrasound and a clean bill of health from the doctor we go our parting gift – pregnancy magazines and form to fill out once the baby is born so they know what we had and the name. And of course a big congratulations and good luck from all the staff. Although we will miss the great staff at the RE office we could not be more happy to moving onto the next step of our baby journey. As I said when we left, our baby graduated before it even made it out of the womb!  

8.5 weeks!

We were told to schedule another ultrasound at 8.5 weeks and we were excited to see the progress on our baby. We went and the nurse said everything looked great. The baby was measuring good and we were able to see the heart rate flutter. The baby was most definitely bigger!

Our RE doctor asked us if we had chosen a normal ob/gyn because he wanted us to schedule an appointment 4 weeks from now which would put us at 12.5 weeks. He wanted to see us back in 2 weeks. The hope was that at this 10.5 week appointment we would graduate from his office and be able to complete the pregnancy at the ob/gyn's office we have chosen. At this time we were very excited and also knew we still had several weeks to go until we were out of the first trimester. All we could do was continue to wish for the best. 

I personally at this point in time started feeling pretty crappy. After a dose of the stomach bug for the second time this year I ended up with a pretty much all day mild sickness. I didn't feel nauseous but I did feel blah and struggled to eat several foods. I ate what I could and decided that for the time being my paleo lifestyle was going to have to be but on hold to make sure I was actually eating. But I want to maintain a gluten free diet as I knew gluten would just make matters worse. So I discovered a full line of several gluten free products and so far have helped to keep me well fed, almost a little too fed in fact. But I know I can't get wrapped up in gaining weight quite yet. As I know the extra pounds had to have helped me get pregnant in the first place even if I had to go and buy new pants and bras at week 8! 

My New BFF

After my 6 week ultrasound I was permission to increase my activity but I had to keep heart rate under 140bpm. So I had to invest in a heart rate monitor. I quickly realized that the 140 bpm wasn't very high when doing any form of cardio or moderately lifting at high reps. I had to learn how to breathe slower and find the best ways my body recovers so I could continue with working out.

Anyone who's don't CrossFit knows in a metcon the goal is usually to go as fast as possible. Well know with my new limits I was focused more on quality vs quantity and/or speed. I actually felt like I spent more time waiting for my heart rate to decrease than I did working out at times but I knew I was still doing my body good. I also knew this was the safest way to keep my baby safe and healthy in the womb. So embraced the new challenge and realized something was absolutely better than nothing! 

My new BFF! 

Second Test Results

My second blood test results came back great! My hcg levels had increased from 638 to 1400s in 48 hours! This was great news! We were then set up with an ultrasound for two weeks later when I would be 6 weeks pregnant. We would then be able to see our little offspring on and possibly even see a heartbeat.

At this point everything was really starting to settle in that this was real and we were really on the road to being parents in 9 short months! :) 

D-Day!

Once the 16th day after the IUI came I almost couldn't sleep I was so excited and nervous. I think I woke up about three times throughout the night and finally at 5:30 AM got up and tested. I can recall being very nervous by having to use the bathroom so bad I didn't have any stage fright.

I was given a generic pregnancy test from my RE so it had only a line to look for. I dipped the stick appropriately and waited the recommended time to see if the extra line would appear. Immediately I could see two faint lines which meant I was pregnant. I told my husband to come see what he thought as I wasn't sure if I was seeing things out of belief or if the lines were real. He said he couldn't tell but it looked like there was two lines. 

We decided to run over the grocery store and pick up another test just to be sure. So at 5:45 AM we ran over to buy another test. I bought one that was a little more explicit on the results; a cross vs. just lines. So once again I took the pee on a stick test twice and quickly the cross showed up! At this point, I was really excited and also in disbelief. Was I really this lucky to get pregnant the first time going through fertility treatments?! 

Of course right at 7 AM when my doctors office opened I called with the news and curiosity on what to do next! I had to go right away and get a blood test taken. I went to a local lab and got my blood tested before work so I could get the results back that afternoon. 

D-Day continued

Of course after the first pee tests and after talking to the doctors office we updated the people that knew today was the day for us to test. A group message for my family, a test to my husband's mom, and a few text messages later in the day to those few girlfriends who knew what I was going through. Everyone was so excited but knew we still had awhile to  go before we were in the clear and could really share the news!

I got the first blood test results back around 2 PM (beta was 638) that day and immediately scheduled my follow up test two days later. This second blood test would measure the levels of hcg. These levels should double every 48-72 hours while pregnant and continue to increase until the second trimester. This test would show whether a healthy pregnancy was developing. 

Second Opinion

After the experience at the first RE office I was open to looking into different doctors and their opinions about treatment for my condition. I luckily was able to find a doctor who a friend has used and been successful with twice. This doctor came highly recommended and also known as one of the best RE doctors in the city. I was able to get in for a consultation pretty quickly and was very interested in learning what he had to say.

My first meeting with this doctor was great. He was very honest and was straight to the point. He said yes, you do indeed have HA and explained that there was really only one pathway for me to get pregnant. He would immediately direct me to injectable medication. He stated that no other lower dose oral treatments would work for my condition. This immediately took my by surprise since that was not the impression I got with the first doctor.

He also mentioned that if I had come to him first he would not have recommended a MRI due to my medical history and also physical activity history as an athlete. He was absolutely positive something happened to my hormones and hypothalamus when I lost 20 pounds in spring of 2012. And that for some reason by body did not readjust over time nor when I gained some of the weight back.

He stated that even if I did gain weight back there was no guarantee that my cycle would come back either which was one of my questions. He said he actually did research on this topic as a fellow. He saw several ballerinas bounce back with a cycle after being injured and not able to dance but soccer players and runner were hit or miss. Some gained a cycle back and some didn't after reducing their amount of exercise. This made me feel a little better about the lifestyle I had accustomed to with following a clean, mostly paleo diet and doing CrossFit which I had thought was healthy and good for my health.

After my meeting I knew I now had some thinking and consideration to do as there were risks, sacrifices, and lots of money involved in the treatments that were recommended.

What is Hypothalamic Amenorrhea?

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA) in brief is a condition in which menstruation stops for several months due to a problem involving the hypothalamus. Hormones obviously play a crucial role in every step of a successful pregnancy. The hypothalamus in the center of the brain controls reproduction. It produces the hormone, gonadotropin releasing hormone (GnRH). GnRH signals the production of other hormones needed for the egg to mature and for ovulation, such as follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and after ovulation, progesterone luteinizing hormone (LH). In turn, FSH and LH signal the ovaries to produce estrogen. Estrogen thins the cervical mucus and, along with progesterone, prepares the uterus for a fertilized egg. Sometimes the hypothalamus stops producing GnRH, which in turn, will reduce the amount of other hormones produced (FSH, LH, and estrogen). Ovulation and menstruation stop, resulting in infertility.
(source: http://www.shadygrovefertility.com/hypothalamic-amenorrhea)

So this is what the science behind my condition and how my brain doesn't work correctly to produce the hormones needed to have a cycle. A fun fact about this condition is that only 5% of the population has this condition but it is treatable. So at least I have that going for me even if I am in the minority!